steady

I haven’t written much in the past few months. I apologize for that. The middle chunk of 2012 gave me a swift kick in the ass, and it’s taken a good amount of reading, therapy, travel, and time for me to get my head back in the game. Here I sit, tea in my hand, The Civil Wars in my ears, a couple of solo days in NYC behind me, Thanksgiving in front of me, and I feel just almost exactly like myself again. *Exhale*

I’ve taken several yoga classes in the past few weeks and I cannot tell you how much that has done to help me find my center, again. Work has kept me busy and kept me moving, for which I am so grateful. My families at work and at home have held me together and kept me laughing. I just spent two unexpected days exploring NYC and I got paid for it. Seriously, folks, the universe has smiled on me lately. I am so thankul and so acutely aware of the fact that I am entitled to absolutely zero of it. After months of brutal uncertainty (financial, emotional, and otherwise), heartache, and immobility (of body, heart, and mind… yikes), I am enjoying time to marinate in the calm.  On top of all that goodness, I find myself in exactly the position I have dreamed of for years. That is I have a full-time job doing what I love that allows me to live just about anywhere I want, as long as there is an airport nearby. All I can say is, “Seriously?!” And also, “Thank you.”

They say that if you find yourself drowning in the ocean, the best way to survive is to let yourself go with the current. They say you shouldn’t fight against the waves, but float along with them until…? Until you reach shore, or someone snatches you up, or you eventually, what, drown? The end of the story is up for grabs, I suppose. But I can tell you that in my own life these past few months the only thing keeping me from going completely under was that I didn’t try to fight against it. No money for bills this month? Lost the man you loved? Not sure if you’ll have money for bills next month? Feeling untethered? Constantly on the verge of a breakdown? Ride it out. This too shall pass. That’s not to say, “Don’t do anything.” Do SOMETHING. Always do something, but don’t fight against what is out of your control. Fight for what you believe is possible, and for what and whom you love, but don’t fight against. Does that make sense? Fighting against the current that wants to pull you under will only make you sink faster. Fighting for peace in the chaos is something different. For me, fighting for peace and for stability meant feeling every single scary, painful, agonizing moment of the storm. It meant that when I collapsed in the floor of my closet broken, terrified, and weeping into a washcloth, I had to acknowledge and ride out every emotion of that attack, all the while knowing this too shall pass.

It did pass. I feel such a sense of peace, now. The chaos moved on, I’ve regrouped and found myself stronger and better equipped to handle the next round, whenever it comes. Because I know it will come. But, for now, I can see the horizon and it’s steady. I missed steady. I am so ready for steady.

So, let’s go steady, baby.

 

 

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2 Comments on “steady

  1. time and time again it’s like you’ve been in my mind only you can articulate it better than what I understand in my mind… and I can’t quite relate yet to all of this because in many ways I think I’m still fighting for – not against – but for… this gives me hope and peace. lots of love to you – xoxo

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