An Open Letter to Skinny Jeans

We need to talk. I know we have only hooked up a few times, but I’m already starting to feel suffocated. I don’t know if you realize how clingy you can be. When we first get together, it’s great. You’re comfortable and easy to be around, but by about an hour or so into the day I always start to feel like you’re coming on way too strong. There is a fine line between getting close and being attached to my hips, and you cross it every time. Every time! This relationship is never going to work if you can’t find a way to loosen up a bit. And I know, I know that you have had great luck with women in the past and there are plenty of women now who would love to spend time getting close to you. I am not one of those women. I need some room to breathe here, or this is going to end in one of us getting burned. Literally. I will burn you.

You’re good looking. I don’t want to be the bad guy here, but you’ve really backed me into a corner. And please, stop comparing yourself to Yoga Pants. That is a completely different kind of clingy, and you know it. I WISH you could take a lesson from YP and loosen up before this thing ends badly for both of us.

For you, actually. It’s only going to end badly for you.

I guess that’s it. I hope you’ve heard me because I can’t take much more of this.



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